The Warriors Way proves to be just as cheesy as it sounds.
Artwork by Luke DeGregori
I’m pretty sure Cowboys and Ninjas didn’t even appear in the same time period, let alone should they be in the same movie.
This ludicrousness is evidently apparent to everyone else, as I was the only person sitting in the theater for the duration of the film. Never before have I been completely alone in a movie theater, and although it was nice that there wasn’t a tall guy in front of me and I could put my feet up anywhere I wanted, it was possibly one of the loneliest moments of my life. So, if it wasn’t obvious enough already, this movie is about as practical as using a horseshoe as a throwing star.
Ninjas are known as silent assassins, blending in with the shadows and striking when their target least expects it. Cowboys, on the other hand, are loud, rowdy, quick-drawing gunslingers who rely on the element of speed. So what kind of movie would combine them? They simply don’t mesh. One side has firearms, the other has blades. One side focuses on stealth, the other on skills like aiming and horseback riding. They just don’t work together, and this movie is a shining example that movie genres usually shouldn’t be combined.
There’s nothing about The Warrior’s Way that can be taken seriously. From the opening scene to the end credits, I was laughing my way through the entire plot, which would be good, except for the fact that this isn’t a comedy.
The silliness of the film starts with a narration from Geoffery Rush (Pirates of the Caribbean) who is way too good of an actor to be in this garbage. Rush says that this is a tale of, “Sad Flutes, a laughing baby, and a weeping sword.” Yeah, I thought that was pretty random, too. So the opening scene is of a lone Asian guy cutting through swaths of ninjas clad in black robes and…dreadlocks? I swear, some ninja jumped out of a lake about five feet into the air, and landed with dreadlocks flapping against his head. Anyway, Rush tells us that it was this killer’s dream to become the greatest swordsman in the world, and by slaughtering all of these ninjas, including some master swordsman, he obtained his goal, but just felt more empty. However, the only thing that stands in the way of victory is the baby girl of the enemy clan he just wiped out. Cold-blooded as this guy is, he can’t kill a little kid, so he simply picks her up like a sack of groceries and decides to get on a boat to America.
Alright, what? In the first five minutes, the movie fails to make any definite sense. The swordsman (Dong-gun Jang, Friend), who really isn’t definitively named, calmly slaughters everyone except a baby, then picks it up like it’s a bag of laundry! Doesn’t this seem a little weird? There’s not even any dialogue! Just a fight scene in the Green Screen district of Eastern Asia! It’s painfully obvious from the start that the movie’s only selling point is the action.
So Mr. Swordsman travels to a town in the West of which I can’t even remember the name, in search of an old friend. Since I can’t remember the town name, and it obviously isn’t even important enough to the plot to know, I’m going to call it Green-Screensville. Now Green-Screensville isn’t exactly your typical Wild West town. In fact, Green-Screensville is more like a conked out carnival than a town, complete with a broken Ferris Wheel, carnie citizens, a fake desert to reside in thanks to green screen movie magic, and a black midget named Eight-Ball as the mayor. I’m beginning to think more and more that the director and producers were on serious drugs for this expedition.
From this point on the movie’s plotline devolves into a puddle of goo. Mr. Swordsman’s friend is dead, and so Mr. Swordsman decides to take up his dead friend’s job as the laundryman. He is befriended by the midget, as well as the fiery redheaded tomboy, Lynne (Kate Bosworth, 21), who aid him in settling into the humdrum of everyday life. However, the town has become a favorite spot for a group of outlaws under a man known as the Colonel (Danny Huston, X-Men Origins: Wolverine) to terrorize, and the town is set upon by filthy, gun-wielding cowboys.
Pleased as I was to see some cowboy firearms in this movie, I was much less pleased with the final outcome. The cowboys look less like outlaws and more like engineers, with ridiculous hats and goggles instead of the common cowboy hat and bandana. The Colonel and Lynne have a grudge against each other, as the Colonel murdered Lynne’s parents and tried to do the same to her, among other things (Sound familiar? Our hero essentially had the same experience at the beginning of the movie, except he wasn’t enough of a villain to actually pull the trigger). So as Lynne prepares to have her revenge, it’s up to Mr. Swordsman to save the day.
The rest of the film focuses around the fighting between Carnies, Cowboys, Mr. Swordsman, and Ninjas hunting Mr. Swordsman and the baby, because apparently the group of assassins can hear Mr. Swordsman’s blade from miles away. Regardless of the silliness in that idea, the rest of the movie is solely what the trailers have led one to believe: The Warrior’s Way is a blood-splattered-fight-fest. Movies like this aren’t supposed to be taken seriously, but I guess no one told director Sngmoo Lee that, because the movie takes itself so seriously that it’s laughable. Jang’s English is so bad I was convinced he was the time traveling younger self of Mr. Myagi. Every line of dialogue is almost painful to hear, so I’m rather glad he wasn’t given much to say.
Absurd as this movie is, its fight scenes are actually pretty well made. Though it’s all done in front of a green screen with ninjas on cables, it’s incredibly entertaining to watch. There’s actually a scene in particular where some cowboy has a machine gun and is mowing down ninjas, only to have the lights go out and Mr. Swordsman to slaughter all the outlaws by the light of the muzzle flashes that is especially cool. Also, I actually found myself caring for the residents of the Carnie town halfway in. Though Mr. Swordsman has less personality than a two by four, the rest of the inhabitants were entertaining, enjoyable, and provided the much needed comic relief.
Regretfully, that’s about all that’s good about The Warrior’s Way. Jang’s dialogue is choppy and unneeded, the Colonel’s side plot is almost completely unnecessary, and it seems like the Ninja Master and the Colonel are having a silent Who’s-The-Biggest-Jerk competition. And when the dust settles and it’s time for the final battle between teacher and student (Ninja Master and Mr. Swordsman), it just flashes back to Mr. Swordsman’s original training and stops. It’s one of the most clichéd and silly endings I’ve ever seen. It’s like the director forgot he had to film the end of the movie, or that he realized it was all so cliché with the swordsman walking off into the sunset that he decided the only way to lessen the cliché was to just cut the final battle. Also, what kind of notorious ninja assassin clan that wants to be taken seriously calls themselves the Sad Flutes? That just sounds like a lame indie rock band.
Bottom line is, the effects are interesting, the fight scenes are well choreographed, and the movie has a feeling of surreal legend to it, with a whole lot of flair. But that’s about it. Fight scenes, clichés, and cool effects can’t keep any film afloat, especially one as rife with holes as Cowboys and Ninjas.
★☆☆☆☆
